Flowerpot Man speaks on Education Policy

Monty Don - Education Expert

Woke up this morning to hear Monty Don, that well known expert on children's education and digging holes, spouting forth about my proposals for Herefordshire schools on BBC Radio 4 Broadcasting House. Well I have a PhD and you have a spade Mr-Bloody-Monty-Don and I don't go on the radio to tell you how to dig a hole. Everyone thinks they're a doctor nowadays.

He was on the show to plug his TV show (and doubtless there will be a book deal and bespoke range of garden spades to follow). On reviewing the Sunday Papers he picked out a tiny story in an obscure paper to make his point. I mean, if there was a point to make it would have merited more than the paltry two pages, including the front page, in the Observer. Usual wishy-washy liberal whingeing about how, if the village school is shut, the next to follow would be the village shop. Hal-lo!! the Post Office and village shops have already been shut. Where does that leave your argument? Case won by Dr Mengele.

The two articles in the Observer dig up some Nu Labour promises to protect rural schools made in 1998. What is the point of that. Nu Labour had just won the 1997 election and wanted a second term. Of course they were going to make promises. Only a gullible idiot would have believed them. Wow - hold the front page - "Labour politician tells a lie." Not exactly news is it?

In case you noticed the multiple choice question I set, and maybe even voted, the answer is in the Observer articles (here and here). The whole quote is:

"Closing a village school can be a death blow to the community. I am announcing tough new protection for village schools. When a school closes, the village loses a vital focus. Children spend longer travelling to other schools. Young families will come under pressure to move elsewhere. School closures can have a knock-on effect on other services, like village shops, setting up a spiral of decline. This is what we want to stop."

Very perceptive don't you think? In light of what is now happening you might get a surprise to see who said it. Go on- read the article.

Al-Menghini speaks to the nation

Education department spokesperson

The parents, children and teachers of Herefordshire are fully supportive of my proposals to shut rural schools. The alleged opposition was exaggerated by the infidel Western media. These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. There was no meeting in Bromyard. This was just an illusion. The so-called protesters are lackeys of the middle class pushy parents and teaching establishment. The good people of Herefordshire appreciate the sensitive and thoughtful way I have planned the improvement of the dire educational standards in this county. They know that I will win and the schools should be closed.
Wyebridge is a flickering light of excellence in the cesspit of Herefordshire's schools. That is why students from throughout the county fight to achieve a place and parents bid up property prices in the South Wye part of the city. Soon we will give all the students in Herefordshire a chance to attend Wyebridge, not just the lucky ones.

Where is that ****ing cow?

Dr Menghini visits local school

I've heard a number of people enquire as to my whereabouts recently and express surprise that I haven't appeared at any public meetings to justify my proposals. Some have even suggested that I had a skiing trip booked to start immediately after I announced my plans.

You cynical bunch of sheep molesters. I've been diligently working on your behalf in Herefordshire with not a thought for my own comfort and safety. Why, here is a picture of me visiting a local school and playing with the lovely children.

In the meantime my charismatic crack team from the Education Department are touring the schools involved in my closure plans and reporting back that, once they have had a chance to present the facts, everyone has been fully supportive of my proposals and can't wait to see my plans for the Sir Gordon Brown Academy of Political Indoctrination and Richard Branson/Virgin Centre of Higher Education and Txt Msg.

Now that my work in Herefordshire is almost over I suppose I should start thinking about moving on. I'm told there is a school near Windsor which is housed in unsuitable old buildings and does not meet the government directive for a wide range of vocational qualifications. It also sends a disproportionately high number of its pupils to Oxford and Cambridge so denying university places to the more deserving. There must be a sink school in Slough I could "amalgamate" Eton with.

Roast Salmon

Mengele in Disguise

Attended the public meeting at Lady Hawkins School in Kington this evening and only just arrived home. Had to go in disguise. No one recognised me. If they had I would have been lynched.

George Salmon got a proper roasting. Poor George looked like a broken man and let it slip he might not be the one coming back to continue the consultation in April. Nice of him to take all the flak for me. Especially since any idiot could see those pictures I have of him with the sheep are faked.

Councillor Terry James sat at the front like a beached whale and claimed that the only consultation over the proposed closures that had taken place was with the headmaster of Wyebridge College. Since he stands to gain from the proposals it's not altogether surprising he supported them. If Councillor James carries on blagging and revealing our methods the public might begin to doubt our integrity. We wouldn't want that would we? Not unless we want the brakes on his car to inexplicably fail. Driving on Herefordshire roads can be ever so dangerous.

Latest news: No one anywhere responsible ever - official

"Its your fault"

Still lying low today as the finger of blame seeks out its target.

The Conservative-run local council initially claimed they knew nothing about the school closure proposals. This is nonsense of course but would have landed me in it up to my neck as I would have been acting illegally to announce the closures without the cabinet's agreement. Now council leader Roger Phillips admits that he might have known something about it but didn't see the details: too drunk and lazy to read it more like.

Being a Conservative Council obviously means Bill Wiggin, the local Conservative MP, can't be too critical and a number of people are claiming this is the Conservatives' fault. Meanwhile no one notices that the real cause of all this is Nu Labour's need to reward their political supporters and party donors with lucrative building and financing deals. Under the Building Schools for the Future policy (BSF), private companies are given public money to build and run schools for profit. Obviously, there is more money to be made running one big school instead of lots of little ones. An added incentive is that those rural schools are sitting on a goldmine of building land which the council would have no trouble selling. Especially now that the rural population is increasing. With my track record of success in closing rural schools all over the West Midlands, it's no wonder they were willing to pay top dollar to bring me in.

Now it looks like it would suit everyone to blame me. Still, a contract is a contract and if I am to go it will cost them dearly. After all I was only obeying orders.

If they want to finger Mengele they're going to have to pay for the privilege. This worked for me behind the bike sheds and it will work for me again now.

Betrayed!

Trouble in Hereford

Schh.... I'm at an undisclosed location tonight, blogging by the dim light of a single candle.

The day started well enough but this morning my executive planning meeting was interrupted by the sound of shouting outside. I put down my chocolate Hobnob and went over to the window. The council offices had been surrounded by the crowd in the photo above. I just managed to get this picture on my mobile before the script of a school panto wrapped around a brick came flying in my direction. The panto was Hansel and Gretel and some wag had substituted my name for the old hag that ate children.

I rallied my education executive team and distributed baseball bats and knuckle-dusters. With myself at the lead we burst out into the street to confront the rabble. This proved to be a mistake on my part because, no sooner had I left the safety of our Council Control Bunker, the steel doors slammed behind me and I realised I was on my own. My team had betrayed me and had run back inside.

I was quickly surrounded by the mob. One of them had brought a rope and, having tied one end to the overhanging branch of a tree, was tying a noose at the other. As they closed in on me I bared my teeth and let out a menacing growl. They stepped back in surprise just as George Salmon's voice boomed out from the bunker. "The schools review was to be suspended." "The statistics would be re-examined." "The headmasters would be consulted." "The people would be listened to."

Over my dead body! While the mob was frozen in disbelief, I made my escape.

Tonight the skies above Hereford are red and the air acrid with the smoke of a thousand burning effigies of me. I can hear dancing and singing to the music of the Wurzels from villages in deepest Herefordshire. The Yokels are celebrating tonight. Next September we'll see an increase in births.

I'm going to lie low for a few days. See how it pans out. I have my ticket for Argentina booked just in case.
If it quietens down I'll sneak back into work and see if I can pin the blame on George. I'll say it was his idea all along. If that doesn't work he's going to have to give me a glowing reference if he is ever going to get rid of me. Maybe even a golden handshake at the expense of the bumpkins LOL.

Slowly catching on

Some of the brighter sparks in Herefordshire (not a sentence I have to write very often. - lol!) are catching on to my plan.

Steve Grist (head honcho of the school governors and chief rabblerouser hinted at it when he said:

"We would be happy to work with the council towards solving these problems, but they cannot be solved by creating much greater problems. The (present) draconian proposals do not begin to offer the basis of an agreement - we cannot accept small modifications and regard them as a victory,"

Well he might not but all the protests are about self interest. Just look at the comments from the Heads at John Kryle school and Wyebridge Sports College in this weeks Hereford Times - "it seems quite reasonable to me", " I don't know what all the fuss is about", "thoughtfully presented after deep consideration". Not much altruism or solidarity here - you know what they say- "God looks after those who look after themselves" and they certainly are.

Anyway, the more fuss they kick up the more schools I can shut with them thinking they got off lightly. I'll wait to see who shouts the loudest and then play one off against the other. I can offer to "save" Fairfield for example but only by throwing Staunton-on-Wye back in the pot. That will have them campaigning against each other and I can sneak through all the closures I have always planned for and line myself up for a better job somewhere else (where I am not so easily identified!).

Job done :-)

Country bumpkins out for the night in Bromyard

Bromyard Meeting

Over 1100 of the fox-molesting inbreds attended a meeting in Bromyard yesterday to denounce my plans. Considering the population is only 3000 and that babies, young children and the adults looking after them could not attend, that must have just about been the entire eligible population. And they say my plans will destroy social cohesion!

These people just want, want, want. They already live longer than people in large towns and cities, they have a lower crime rate, their children do better at school and overall have a better quality of life. Well enough is enough and I intend to change all that.

Ugly mob gather.

The revolting middle classes

Whoa!

Yesterday it was all quiet and today all hell broke loose.

Headmasters have plotted together and passed a vote of "no confidence" in me and some other worm of a headmistress has crawled out of the woodwork to denounce me in public. Just because they are building new houses in her village. Well, if there is the demand for houses in Shobdon, we'll get a good price for the school grounds when we sell it off. All the more reason to shut it I say.

I am really fed up having to pamper to these fox hunting inbreds. Why should they have schools on their doorsteps. Why can't they drive their precious sprogs across the county to access some violent, drug riddled sink school like they have to in Labour areas. Not good enough for them is it? Happy to let the working classes use them though. Next they'll be complaining that the new sixth form I'm planning at Wyebridge Sports College isn't good enough to get their precious little offspring into Oxford. Well deary-me. If you want to get your kids into Oxford you sodding pay to send them privately. Why should the toiling working classes pay for your kids' education?

Some people are beginning to catch on to the fact that there is a master plan behind all this. I'm only the brought-in muscle: the executioner if you like. This is all about social engineering. The middle class kids do better than the working class kids at school. We tried taking money away from middle class schools and giving it to the working class schools but it made no difference. Something to do with their parents taking an interest (or actually knowing who their parents are more like).

Very embarrassing for Nu Labour because it looks like the schools in their areas are worse and more expensive than the schools in Tory areas. Worst of all it shows how much better the Grammar Schools were than anything brought in to replace them.

So I am told to select the best schools and shut them. If I don't I won't get my bonus and my climb up the greasy pole will come to an abrupt end. Worst case scenario - I might have to work as a teacher and send my own kids to a sink school. Once the best schools are shut there won't be anything to compare the sink schools to. The Universities will have to take what we give them or they will be next to shut. Teach them to complain that the qualifications our schools produce are worthless.

Might have to offer the old olive branch to shut them all up. Once "The Season" starts they'll lose interest and I'll sneak in the closures while they are all at Henley or Wimbledon or Ascot or wherever they go to procreate.

So much for the Big Issue

Dr Menghini's vision for Herefordshire Teachers

Well so much for the fuss over my Schools Review. A bit of rain and a closed road or two and its all forgotten. Nothing at all today on the Hereford Times website.

Earlier this week a couple of headmasters came on the radio to denounce my plans. I know who you are and I know where you (and your children) live. When the going gets tough you find out who your friends and enemies are, and I have a long memory.

Where were these bourgeois Tory middle-class parasites when Thatcher was closing coalmines and factories? Did they come on local radio and denounce her? Like fark they did. Too busy drinking in their fancy university Student Union bars and fornicating to take much notice then.

Well the boot is on the other foot now Mr. School Teacher. You had better get to know about the Big Issue now because, if I get my way, you will soon be selling it.

No one crosses Menghini.

Looking good tonight

Brains and Beauty

All working out according to plan.
As expected, a real stink kicking up now regarding my proposals for school closures.
Paul Keetch, the Lib/Dem MP, was the first to call for an enquiry-not one to miss a media opportunity. Bill Wiggin was a bit slow to catch on but is now trying to make up lost time. Raising the issue of Herefordshire being the third poorest funded county for education. Well surprise, surprise; it was last week too but no-one interested in stirring it up then- no votes in it!
Even the Council Leader, Roger Phillips, is trying to dodge the flying excrement by claiming he didn't realise the proposals were so extreme. He ought to try staying awake or sober during the meetings then.
The school governors are wanting to "open a dialogue" providing I drop the proposals. Who do they think they are to tell me what to do? What are they going to do about it if I ignore them? Write to the Hereford Times? Don't make me laugh.
I'll let them sweat a bit and get their pathetic campaigns running. I'll let them get more central funding for Herefordshire Education and make sure I stash some of it away for myself . In the meantime the main talking point at dinner parties in Herefordshire will be: Monmouth or Cathedral?
Once the pushy parents have got their snotty little brats into private schools, the "Save of Schools" campaigns will lose momentum.
That's when I offer the hand of friendship and come over as being listening and sympathetic. I'll reprieve one or two of the schools and the poor schmucks will think they have won a great victory. I'll make a big thing about being a mother and a school governor myself and show how much I understand and care about their concerns. They won't realise I've shafted them over a barrel and still closed more schools than any of them would ever have imagined. I'll come out smelling of roses and leave George Salmon to deal with the blowback.
Like lambs to the slaughter.
I wonder if I ought to have my lips enhanced? Might make me look more empathic. Nah!

P.S. Anon. comments now permitted

Squealing like swine

Squealing like swine

Predictable whingeing and squealing from middle class parents and teachers after my announcements last week. BBC Hereford and Worcester asking people with nothing else useful to contribute to society to write in and leave their comments - as if anyone cares. Who listens to local news anyway?

Now the National Union of Teachers wants its half-penny worth too. Well Elspeth Sims - you know what they say: "those that can-do and those that can't-teach!"

Similar tosh on Hereford Times forum from the NIMBYs of rural Herefordshire. Just because they paid over the odds to live in the catchment area of one of our better schools they seem to think they have some right to comment. Mind you, with all the inbreeding in these villages it's a great opportunity for some social experiments on their children; we'll find out if these children can still outperform when we make them go to a crappy school. The final solution to the nature versus nurture debate (if you excuse my little joke).

Middle class parents really make me sick. Just because they have had children and sit on the board of Governors at some grotty little village school they think they are experts on childrens' education. Well get up and smell the coffee losers! The future is here and the future is Wyebridge Sports College.

My plans are to increase capacity to 5000 children, shut all other schools and then introduce a congestion charge for parents driving into Hereford. When they see how I have both saved money and increased income every Local Authority will want me. Yesterday Shropshire, today Herefordshire, tomorrow South America.

Successful cull of head teachers

Last Thursday I invited head teachers in Herefordshire to a presentation at which I was to discuss future school provision in Herefordshire. No one was too concerned. It was anticipated that one or two of the smaller schools would not be viable and head teachers at the less well performing schools may have been fearful but there are unfilled head teacher posts anyway in Herefordshire.
Once all in the room I hit them with the result of a Review of Future School Provision: the educational equivalent of the Dr Beeching rail cuts.
The review proposed taking an axe to state education in Herefordshire with the closure of many rural schools. Even a school which is regularly oversubscribed and achieves the highest scoring for a state school in Herefordshire was earmarked for closure.
Immediately following the presentation I openly announced the names of 37 head teachers at the doomed schools and told that they are to be made redundant.
The unsuspecting schmucks never saw it coming.
A result for Dr Mengele Menghini, I think.